My Election Anxiety Plan Comes Courtesy of…Celebrity Dog Trainer Cesar Millan?

A few months back, I was speaking with TV's Cesar Millan about dogs and fireworks, since my 85-pound dog shivered like a baby during 4^th of July celebrations. He walked me through some suggestions (exercise, gradual noise exposure); lately, I’ve been thinking of Millan during the run-up to the 2024 presidential election. I’m not a political newshound, however as major news outlets are reporting and TikTok is reflecting, I’m having intense reactions to the seemingly constant poll findings and news drops. I’m acting like my dog—I too want to hide trembling under the bed. My sense of security is threatened—what if all this noise means my food bowl will not be filled? I need to learn how to calm anxiety.

Since I’m veering between mild distraction and paralytic terror, I’ve been trying to channel what Millan suggests as the three states of dog equilibrium in canine psychology:

1. Calm Surrender
2. Calm Happy Go Lucky
3. Calm Confidence

Basically, these three natural states of canine psychology are what I aspire to in the election and its aftermath...I want to be surrendering to the fact that I live in a state where my vote reflects the winning party of the last six national elections, so my ballot won’t be as impactful as it might be in a swing state.

Next, I choose to be happy-go-lucky in the face of whatever news reports happen before, during and after the election. Like a dog, I’m not going to be spending my present reflecting on the past, such as social unrest in our nation’s capital. Nor will I be anticipating any possible futures, including but not limited to a potentially nondemocratic transition of power to the winning candidate. I’m going to stay focused on a useful and productive present. (Also, I’m going to educate myself about my ballot choices and vote, which is where this metaphor breaks down because dogs don’t vote, and with neither leading candidate having a pet companion, no self-respecting pet would enter this fight in 2024.)

A purposeful, alert and non-anxiety-addled citizen (in Millan’s world, the pack leader) is going to be of more use to everyone around them.

And finally, I am confident that even if my friends, family and I don't get the election results we want, I can live a productive and joyful life. This last is an act of faith in myself and my abilities and is perhaps based on nothing more than force of will, but that’s the choice I’m making for the good of said friends and family. And, if I can put aside my Gen X irony for a moment, it’s a choice I’m making for the good of the country. A purposeful, alert and non-anxiety-addled citizen (in Millan’s world, the pack leader) is going to be of more use to everyone around them.

Finally, a word in closing to anyone who thinks that this take is in some way missing the vast intricacies of political wrongdoing that necessitate personal rage or at the very least Big Feelings. To this understandable argument, I agree but say: We the people are all just doing our best here, same as it ever was, with our canines by our side. (It’s no accident that post-apocalyptic narratives always have a dog sidekick, from Mad Max to Fallout.) I remember a story from school, in which 18^th century Englishman Alexander Pope wrote a two-line poem, which he etched on the a dog collar and presented to Frederick, Prince of Wales at Kew Palace:

I am his Highness’s dog at Kew;
Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?

And, if all else fails, I think I have some Xanax buried in the back of a cabinet somewhere.