What Is a Dark Empath? I Asked a Therapist How to Spot One in Your Orbit

Sometimes TikTok leads us to interesting lifestyle trends or buzzy beauty dupes. Other times, we wind up scrolling through armchair psychologist accounts warning us about the dangerous personalities coming for us like the Boogie Monster. Of late, one toxic personality in particular has been popping into FYP tabs after a 2021 study on the subject resurfaced: Dark empaths. In fact, Google searches for 'dark empath' reached an all-time high in September 2024. So is this term just a social media clickbait or is there real weight behind the words? Curious, I reached out to a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in narcissistic abuse. Here’s what I learned.

Vanessa Reiser is a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), licensed in NY, NJ, MA, and FL. She is a psychotherapist and the founder of the nonprofit, TellaTherapist.org. She is also a survivor of narcissistic abuse and the author of Narcissistic Abuse; A Therapist's Guide to Identifying, Escaping and Healing from Toxic and Manipulative People.  As a psychotherapist in private practice, Vanessa now specializes in narcissistic personality disorder and her practice focuses on treating victims and survivors of cults, narcissists, domestic violence, and narcissistic abuse. Her insights are both personal and professional, giving her a unique lens into this insidious form of domestic abuse.

"’Dark empaths’ are individuals who demonstrate a superficial understanding of others' emotions and use this apparent empathy to manipulate and exploit those around them. They may appear charming and compassionate, but their underlying motivations are often self-serving and manipulative,” Reiser shares. The therapist notes, however, that the term ‘dark empath’ doesn’t have formal diagnosis in the DSM-5. “Many might refer to this type of disordered personality as a vulnerable narcissist or covert narcissist and there are often overlaps between many of these characteristics and anti-social personality disorder/sociopathy and psychopathy with the overarching theme being manipulation,” she expands. That said, the psychological community is increasingly recognizing the existence of individuals who possess a blend of empathetic traits and manipulative tendencies. Though research on the matter is still in its early stages, Reiser says that the term highlights the complexity of human behavior and the potential for empathy to be used for harmful purposes.

Empaths are people, according to Psychology Today, who literally feel what others are feeling, both emotionally and physically, and experience those sensations as if they were their own. This is different from empathy, which is having compassion for another person without necessarily absorbing those same feelings. Empathy, Reiser tells me, is built from both cognitive empathy, the ability to understand another person's perspective and mental state and emotional empathy, the ability to share and genuinely care about others' feelings. Dark empaths can read people and anticipate their reactions, but they use that power in harmful ways. However, they lack emotional empathy, the ability to share and genuinely care about others' feelings. “This disconnect,” shares Reiser, “ allows them to use their understanding of others' emotions as a tool for manipulation, which makes them far more dangerous than a more overt version of narcissism/sociopathy because they will oftentimes fly under the radar.”

The Dark Triad (DT) is a psychological theory of three interconnected yet distinct adverse traits that includes Machiavellianism, psychopathy and narcissism. 

1. Machiavellianism: Maybe, like me, you read The Prince by Niccolò Machiavelli in your high school European history class and remember the philosopher’s credo, “The ends justify the means.” Not necessarily the motto of someone who’s putting empathy first. Instead, a person exhibiting Machiavellianism does whatever it takes to get what they want. 
2. Psychopathy: The authors share that this trait “comprises affective-interpersonal (superficial charm, callous affect) and behavioural (erratic lifestyle, antisocial behaviour) deficits.” 
3. Narcissism: A trait that includes the lack of or no regard for other’s feeling and an exaggerated sense of entitlement. 

Reiser walks me through five common traits of dark empaths, and how to spot these red flags. 

“They may come across as extremely charming and charismatic, but their actions often don't match their words.”

“They may apologize easily, but their apologies lack genuine remorse, and the behavior resurfaces repeatedly and without large gaps of time.”

“They often portray themselves as victims to gain sympathy and manipulate others.”

They use guilt trips, passive-aggressive behavior, and other tactics to control those around them.”

“While they may have many acquaintances, they struggle to form genuine, intimate relationships.”

So, what do you do if you think a dark empath, whether it’s a friend, partner, colleague or family member, is in your orbit? Reiser offers some guidelines for how to deal with this very specific type of energy vampire.

Learn to say "no" and prioritize your own needs, says Reiser. In a piece about setting boundaries with toxic friends, PureWow editor Sarah Stiefvater writes: “[Duygu Balan, LPCC, is a licensed psychotherapist] noted, toxic friends often overstep healthy boundaries, so establishing and enforcing clear boundaries is essential to changing unhealthy patterns. [Dr. Monica Vermani, a clinical psychologist] elaborates, ‘Define what is acceptable and what is not, and communicate these boundaries to your friend. Boundaries help protect your emotional well-being and promote respect within the relationship.’” 

If something feels off about a person, warns Reiser, don't ignore it. A dark empath will be really good at throwing you off the scent and make you question your own thoughts. (Cough cough gaslighting.) Remember: your feelings are valid.

Observe whether a person's behavior aligns with their words, Reiser cautions. For instance, maybe the guy you’re dating tells you he really cares about you, but all those times he stood you up are demonstrating otherwise. Pay attention. 

Does somebody consistently change the topic at hand or deliberately obfuscate communications? They may be deflecting, which is a strong characteristic of a gaslighter. So if their words do not match their actions, as a matter of common practice, they could be toxic or narcissistic. "People that are healthy will not deflect or confuse you in their words or actions," Reiser articulates. An off-shoot of the basic “trust your gut” lingo, this variation goes one step further: trust your deductive reasoning! Do not ignore your intuition or give people the benefit of the doubt over and over again.

And perhaps most importantly, shares Reiser: “Get outside perspectives on their relationships.” You do not have to question this relationship alone. Raise your feelings with people you can trust and/or seek out professional help.