What Your Birth Order Says About Your Love Language

Dangle anything that has to do with personality types in front of me, and I’ll bite. Zodiac sign most likely to “speak to the manager”? Capricorn. British royal family Enneagram personalities? I can tell you Prince Harry is an 8. And if I’m at a cocktail party, you can bet I’m asking everyone these four questions and nailing their MBTI on the spot. The only thing I love more than a personality type questionnaire is when they all intertwine. Hence, birth order and your love language. Both can be incredibly revealing about who we are, so I, a personality types enthusiast, have compiled a list explaining your love language as determined by your birth order. All I can say is, the middle child doesn't surprise me at all.   

The “official” five love languages were originally coined by Dr. Gary Chapman in 1992 in his book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. He outlines five ways that people give and receive love, defined as the following:

• Words of Affirmation: compliments, words of appreciation, encouragement
• Acts of Service: helping to lighten the load
• Physical Touch: holding hands, hugs, kissing
• Gifts: meaningful and thoughtful (and not necessarily expensive)
• Quality Time: giving someone your undivided attention and spending time together

As psychologist Heather Hagen previously explained to me, oldest children are incredibly responsible and achievement oriented. They’re great at taking initiative, organizing plans and herding the cats (aka their family). As the oldest myself, I can confirm we’re independent and perfectly capable—thank you very much. But eventually, we burn out. Sometimes, all I want is for someone else to make the itinerary, decide what’s for dinner and just, generally “be in charge.” And after doing some inner work and coming to the realization that accepting a helping hand isn’t an insult to my competency, I’ve come to enjoy being life’s passenger princess. (Every once in a while, of course.)

As I’ve previously reported, middle children have a hard time saying no and “have lower self-esteem than other birth orders because of their lack of uniqueness and attention at home,” writes expert Katrin Schumann in Psychology Today. As such, it’s only natural that the child who feels forgotten in a chaotic family dynamic would crave quality time. They don’t even need a spotlight—just some good-old-fashioned undivided attention. Because the middle child is probably the chillest of the bunch, a grand gesture is unnecessary—perhaps even mortifying. But if you invite them one-on-one for an ice cream at their favorite spot in town, snag tickets to a baseball game where their hometown team is playing or even just ask them to go have a coffee, I can assure you they will be thrilled.

Psychology researcher ​​Ehab Youssef has explained to me that youngest children are known for their sense of fun and spontaneity. They’re also more adventurous and less regimented than, say, their oldest sibling. That being said, their focus is often on themselves (no shade—isn’t everyone always thinking about the baby of the family?) and they may be used to others catering to them. And what says “I’m thinking about you” better than a surprise little goodie? It’s the ultimate spontaneous, fun way to say “love you!”.

Whether they like it or not, only children are the center of attention, and with that can come a lot of pressure to perform. So much so that, as PureWow associate editor Sydney Meister writes, they have a penchant for perfection. One of the inevitable questions for a perfectionist is undoubtedly, “Am I doing it right?” Thus, only children can benefit from (and most definitely appreciate) words of affirmation so that they know they’re on the right track. There’s nothing like some praise to boost morale.