Am I Toxic? 10 Questions to Ask Yourself to Help You Grow

Chances are, you know a toxic person (or possibly more than one). Maybe it’s your boss, your mother-in-law or even your friend. But the question is… do they know they’re toxic? Which leads to another question—what if, plot twist, this is a case of…it’s not you…it’s me? Yikes. Well, if you’re wondering, “Am I toxic?”, first, kudos to you for your self awareness. (It hurts!) Second, no need to panic. If you think you may be exhibiting toxic behaviors, here’s a checklist of ten questions to run through, plus actionable tips to stop this damaging behavior in its tracks, from a psychologist.

Dr. Sanam Hafeez is a NYC-based neuropsychologist and Director of Comprehend the Mind, a diagnostic and treatment center for neuropsychological, psychiatric and educational difficulties. She received her doctorate from Hofstra University and completed her postdoctoral work in neuro-developmental psychology at Coney Island Hospital in Brooklyn, NY.

“A ‘toxic person’ is someone whose behavior, attitudes, or actions are consistently harmful or stressful to others,” Dr. Hafeez tells me. “This toxicity might take the form of someone who’s a manipulator, a negative person, a bully or aggressive, or someone who’s emotionally unavailable or unsupportive.” We all probably know someone like this, who makes it stressful to be in their presence. The causes are many, but can include unresolved trauma and emotional pain, mental health conditions like borderline personality disorder, jealousy, low self-esteem and a desire for control.

“Toxic behavior can also be learned from family members, social settings or past partners,” the expert adds. “Someone growing up in a toxic environment is more likely to embody those characteristics.” What it really boils down to is a lack of empathy, as Dr. Hafeez notes that toxic people lack the availability to understand others’ emotions.

So what if that’s you? “Managing toxic behavior often involves a mix of self-awareness, professional help, and personal growth, with an understanding of what drives the behavior, often leading to better management or mitigation of its impact on oneself and others,” she says. Below are ten traits a toxic person might exhibit—plus some actionable tips on how to address them.

• The toxic trait: narcissism

Look, it’s normal for envy to rear its ugly head at some point in every relationship, friendship or career. But if you can’t acknowledge that your friend who’s been working 60-hour weeks for years deserves her big promotion, well, then you might be dealing with some narcissistic tendencies. You know the kind: inflated self-importance, an intense need for admiration, a lack of empathy. “This might manifest as vainness, needing constant praise, or inability to acknowledge when others have a greater claim to success,” Dr. Hafeez notes. So if you find that your jealousy is more than a little out of hand…that might be a clue.

• What to do: When you feel the green-eyed monster creeping in, remind yourself: Life’s not a competition. Deep breath, you look great, you’re doing great—smile and move on.

• The toxic trait: manipulativeness

There’s a difference between a white lie (like telling someone their new haircut looks nice even if it doesn’t) and a manipulative one (like asking your friend for money and promising you’ll pay them back next week…even when you have no intention of doing so). If you answered true to the above and find yourself frequently leaning on excessive guilt, flattery or deceit to gain influence over someone, you are exhibiting textbook manipulation.

• What do do: A good thing to ask yourself is: Do I sincerely mean the compliment that I’m about to give? What am I trying to gain by telling this white lie? If I guilt trip [friend/family/coworker], what’s the end goal? If your answers aren’t promoting the good of your relationship, take a moment to think about what you’re trying to say, if it needs to be said, and why you want what it’s trying to get you. 

• The toxic trait: chronic negativity

Yes, the world is on fire. But no, that doesn’t give you the right to be a Negative Nelly 24/7. “Chronic negativity individuals view the world in a perpetually gloomy light and often expect a negative outcome to every possible situation,” Dr. Hafeez says. “They tend to be chronic complainers, critics, or people who cannot find the silver lining.” Think: Your sister is super excited for her bachelorette party this weekend and you consider it your duty to inform her that there’s a 25 percent chance of rain. Or your partner wants to surprise you with a homecooked meal, and you just know they’re going to make you something you won’t like so you pick up some takeout on the way home just in case. While impending doom is tempting, it’s also exhausting.

• What to do: When you catch yourself pondering imminent disaster, try to train your brain to practice gratitude instead. I’m definitely guilty of falling into this mindset, but I’ve found that writing down ten things I’m grateful for every day has significantly helped combat the negativity.

• The toxic trait: passive-aggressiveness

If this is you then you may often resort to backhanded compliments (“you’re so brave to wear that dress!”), leading questions (“you wouldn’t want to disappoint mom by not coming to Sunday dinner, right?”), and the requisite “fine” reply when…it’s really not. Passive-aggression seems like a way to diffuse conflict, but it can manifest as a toxic trait. “Instead of expressing their anger or frustration directly, passive-aggressive people indirectly say what they think or feel,” Dr. Hafeez explains, leaving everyone else to guess what they *actually* mean (or face the consequences).

• What to do: While direct confrontation can be scary, it’s all about setting the tone. If you have a problem with someone, try scheduling a dedicated block of time to speak and lay out the agenda using “I” statements. (Example: I’ve been feeling X after [this event]. Is it OK if we talk about it?)

• The toxic trait: dominant behavior

OK, firstborns, don’t @ me. But yes, we have a tendency to be bossy, and that snowballs into being domineering. (Though, it’s not just us.) What does that look like? According to Dr. Hafeez, that might mean you need to make all the decisions, ignore other people’s opinions and impose your way of doing things on other people. You know, like that time you hosted Thanksgiving dinner and spent 20 minutes showing everyone exactly how to properly mash the potatoes—and then lost it when Aunt Marge went for the hand mixer instead (too much air!). And they haven’t asked you to host since.

• What to do: So take a deep breath and remember, it’s about the end result—not the method.

• The toxic trait: lack of accountability

“People who shirk responsibility are prone to blaming others for their mistakes,” Dr. Hafeez says. “They might, for example, deny they did something wrong, blame others, or make excuses for their own failures.” And let’s be honest, a person who can never take responsibility is no fun to be around. If you struggle with this, it may be a sign that you need to confront an underlying issue like fear of inadequacy. Because if it’s always someone else’s fault, you’re never wrong…right?

• What to do: Ask yourself why you’re afraid to own up to your mistakes. It could be a fear of inadequacy, disappointing other people or perfectionist tendencies. Consider reaching out to a therapist to unpack where these feelings are stemming from so that you can feel empowered to take responsibility without feeling like it’s a condemnation of your entire person. (Because it’s not! We’re all imperfect.)

• The toxic trait: aggression

Similar to the trait of dominant behavior, aggression is another toxic trait that may use violence to achieve an end. You may be thinking, “Whoa, violence! I’ve never punched anyone.” However, violent behavior isn’t restrained to physical harm. Dr. Hafeez explains that this may be present as being hostile, shouting, making threats or bullying others, which makes them feel unsafe. Think: Flying off the handle whenever your mother makes an offhanded (but well-meaning) comment, and taunting her by saying she doesn’t love you and you’ll never speak to her again.

• What to do: If you feel the kettle about to blow its top, take a deep breath. Maybe take five. And remember, you’re more likely to win them over if you keep calm (and kind).

• The toxic trait: drama-seeking

“Those who thrive on drama tend to create conflict where it doesn't exist or make situations bigger than they are. They might gossip, blow things out of proportion or cause drama so that they can swoop in and ‘rescue’ the situation.” Dr. Hafeez says. Before you start running your mouth at brunch with the fam that your grandmother is definitely cutting your problematic cousin out of the will, think about why you’re wanting to share the gossip or fan a flame.

• What to do: If it’s not for the greater good, it’s probably better to abide by the adage: “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all.”

• The toxic trait: emotional unavailability

Do you find yourself frequently feeling detached and experience difficulty connecting to others? You might be exhibiting emotional unavailability. Dr. Hafeez says this can present as lack of responsiveness to others’ emotions, avoiding vulnerable discussions or feeling an acute aloofness. That can manifest as changing the subject just as your best friend is about to share that her dog just died, or feeling apathy when your sister says you hurt her feelings.

•  What to do: Remember that being vulnerable doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t mean you’re obliged to spill all your guts. But, if you’re often avoiding conversations with people you trust, be honest. You can say something like, “I think going deep makes me feel really uncomfortable and I’m still trying to figure out why. However, I want to listen and do my best to relate. Please be patient with me as I figure this out.” This may also be something you want to bring up to a therapist or mental health counselor.

While it’d be nice to just “take a deep breath” or “ask yourself why you feel the need to [insert toxic behavior here]”—which are both good tactics—it’s not always that easy. In addition to requiring a great deal of self-awareness, sometimes, you don’t know why. So what can you do about it?

Dr. Hafeez advises that once you begin to recognize these behaviors in yourself, the first thing you should do is carve out some time to reflect.

“Try keeping a journal or finding a meditative practice to help you understand why you act the way you do and how those behaviors impact the people around you,” she says. “You can reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or colleague for feedback as well to learn what your behavior is communicating to others.” Then, she suggests practicing empathy. “Try to imagine how they're feeling. You can actively listen to their concerns and use empathy exercises to hone your sensitivity.”

Another practice you can cultivate is that of controlling emotion. Activities like mindfulness and relaxation, plus finding healthy ways to release emotion (like running, taking a bath), can help you foster a mindset of calm.

Once you’ve done the above, the next part is a little trickier. “Take responsibility for your actions. When your behavior has hurt others, the first step is to acknowledge and apologize sincerely to them. You then need to commit to making changes so that trust can be rebuilt,” Dr. Hafeez says. What does that look like? Pursuing self-development, which could encompass self-help books, working on your communication, workshops and even seeking professional help via a therapist or counselor. They can help you get to the root of toxic tendencies, which can be things like unresolved trauma or mental health issues.

Ultimately, don’t forget to also give yourself some grace. “Changing deeply ingrained behavioral patterns takes time and effort,” Dr. Hafeez says. “Go easy on yourself and stick with it, celebrating your small victories as you go.”