Big Age Gap in Your Marriage? Here Are 4 Ways It Can Affect Your Relationship

After five bridesmaid dresses, nine bachelorette parties and countless weddings, maybe you’ve noticed the trend first-hand: there’s not as much as an age gap between married couples these days. A recent Pew Reserch report found that 51 percent of opposite-sex marriage are “same-age” partnerships (that is, two or less years apart), up from 46 percent in year 2000. Despite the trend, that still leaves a considerable chunk of couples who find themselves in a ‘genmance,’ or, a generation-crossing romance. In fact, 40 percent of marriages have a husband who is three or more years older than his wife and 10 percent of marriages a wife who is three or more years older than her husband. So, what does it mean when you’re in a genmance in a same-age love era? Here’s how a big age gap can affect your relationship.

Dr. Scott Stanley, Ph. D. is co-author of the book Fighting FOR Your Marriage, now out in its 4^th edition. He is a research professor at the University of Denver and has published extensively on subjects including commitment, cohabitation, relationship development, and the prevention of relationship distress. Along with colleagues Dr. Howard Markman, Dr. Galena Rhoades, and Dr. Elizabeth Allen, Dr. Stanley has conducted research on relationship education since the early 1980s, mostly funded by grants (to one or more of these scholars) from the National Institutes of Health and the Administration for Children and Families. Dr. Stanley and Dr. Rhoades have conducted research focused on relationship development, cohabitation, and commitment, also funded by the National Institutes of Health. This line of research has influenced efforts to help individuals improve their relationship decision-making. 

I know Steve Martin and Martin Shore from Father of The Bride (the original). You know them from Only Murders in the Building. How will the relationship ever work? From lighthearted misunderstandings (you don’t know what lit means?) to larger shifts (uh…you can’t say that anymore…), cross-gen couples often find themselves confused by the other’s references or even word choices: “People growing up at different times in the same country will use different words for the same thing—words that one or the other partner may not recognize unless they are pretty pop-culturally aware,” shares Dr. Stanley, who recalls how “cool” or “groovy,” once meant the same as today’s shorthand “bet.” (As in “bet on it.”) But the reality of these seemingly silly differences is that they expose the tippy top of the iceberg of differences below the surface.

How to deal with it: “Roll with it and be curious. If these types of differences are not delightful, it’s going to be a real challenge. For couples where it is a real challenge, talk through a way to manage it in the moment, especially when it’s just the two of you. Find a playful way to ask ‘what’s that mean?’ or respond to the puzzled look on your partner’s face.” 

“The relationship may work great when it’s just the two alone, but when out with either one’s network of friends or work-experienced matched peers, it get can get dicey, fast,” says Dr. Stanley. And although this is a common issue amongst many same-age couples, too, Dr. Stanley shares that things get trickier when the large age difference is magnified in context of one of the partner’s cohorts.

How to deal with it: “Talk through and strategize as a team about which friends of each of yours are a good context for the both of you. Without talking and having a plan, you are leaving a lot of room for frustration and isolation—from each other—because in some contexts, you will be having such a different social experience that there is little shared. That’s not going to be good for your relationship.”

You nabbed two tickets to Chappel Roan; he scored a sit-down with the estate attorney to write up a will. Big age differences can mean big deltas in expected time horizons, health concerns and living arrangement ideals. 

How to deal with it: That depends on how committed you are, points out Dr. Stanley. Long-term planning easily overlaps with the level of commitment between partners, he explains: “The future and plans about it fundamentally reflect something about the level of commitment between two partners. Even where two people may not have the same life expectancy, having a sense of a future and plans around that future is a fundamental reflection of the level of commitment in a relationship.” Plans for the future reflect a mutual desire for that future. So, make some. 

Perhaps the reason you are together is because the two of you are actually attracted to the different experiences and perspectives you bring to the table. She’s attracted to your laid-back, see-where-the-day-takes-me ethos, and you’re amazed by her carefully curated salon-like small dinner parties, seating arrangements and all.

How to deal with it: If age-related differences are part of what attracts you to your partner in the first place—as opposed to looks, for example—then, embrace the new perspectives. But, if these are the things making you feel negative about the relationship, it could be insight into your own (possibly impossible) expectations.