*Warning: Spoilers ahead*
Last week, Colton Underwood met the 30 women vying for his heart rose on The Bachelor. And now, the popular dating series is back for another episode that (thankfully) didn’t double as a nationwide viewing party.
Here’s what went down in season 23, episode two of The Bachelor.
Hot off the first rose ceremony, the ladies are eager to begin their journey to find love with Underwood. When Chris Harrison arrives with the first date card, the contestants do their best to act surprised as they gather in the living room, and we applaud the producers for doing their job.
For the first group date of the season, Underwood is taking eight contestants—Bri, Demi, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G. (first impression rose), Nicole, Onyeka and Catherine—to the Regent Theater in Los Angeles, where they’re tasked with delivering a comedic monologue in front of 200 people.
Since Underwood doesn’t have a single funny bone in his body, he enlisted the best of the best to coach the ladies: Megan Mullally (Will & Grace) and Nick Offerman (Parks and Recreation).
The self-proclaimed Bachelor fans explain that each woman needs to prepare a monologue, detailing a memorable “first-time” experience. (This can be anything from kissing to—you guessed it—losing your virginity, and yes, the ladies go there.)
Underwood kicks things off with a candid speech about the first time he talked about being a virgin, and all we have to say is…been there, done that.
When the women take the stage, things get really awkward, really fast. While some ladies—like Elyse, Nicole and Hannah G.—took the safe route, others didn’t hold back. Let’s talk about Catherine, for example. After Onyeka makes a joke about the “thirsty b******” in the mansion, Catherine goes completely rogue and fires back at her new roommate.
“I’m a good swimmer,” she says before throwing the mic stand and screaming NSFW material. Yikes.
Of course, Demi wasn’t about to let Catherine upstage her. So, the 23-year-old tells a story about wanting to kiss a boy and then finds Underwood in the audience for an impromptu make-out sesh.
Before leaving the stage, she says, “And that is the story of how I got the first group date rose.”
Later on, the tension is thick at the after-party. There are two key takeaways: First, Demi is ruthless. Not only was she the first person to steal Underwood away, but she also rubbed Tracy the wrong way when she returned from her one-on-one time only to say, “Oh, it’s my rose.”
“It just seemed ridiculous to me that she thought that was OK,” Tracy explains.
Demi’s response? “Haters gonna hate.”
And second, Underwood is totally digging Elyse’s cougar (her words) approach to dating him. He even gives her the group date rose, so take note, people.
Back at the mansion, Hannah B. receives the birthday gift of a lifetime: a one-on-one date. This time, Underwood takes her on a scenic horseback ride before they stumble upon a random gazebo, which comes complete with a hot tub and Champagne. (Surprise, surprise.)
While the date seems like it will end in a rose, Underwood isn’t having it. In a conversation with the producers, he hesitantly reveals the date is “not going how I thought it would” and that he has a lot of “concerns.”
Things get even more awkward later that night when they sit down for dinner on the deck of The Queen Mary, and Hannah B. starts grilling him about his virginity, saying, “Why are you a virgin?” Have we not been over this already?
In a surprising turn of events, Underwood eats up Hannah B.’s ability to “open up” and gives her the rose. (It’s her birthday, after all.)
For the final date of the episode, Underwood invites 12 contestants—Alex, Caelynn, Caitlin, Cassie, Courtney, Erika, Heather, Katie, Kirpa, Nina, Sydney and Tayshia—to “Camp Bachelor,” which is basically just an excuse for the girls to wear leggings and let out their anger in a series of competitions.
Comedian Billy Eichner joins Underwood as “Camp Counselor” and divides the ladies into two teams for a three-game competition: relay race, canoe race and tug-of-war.
The award? A “sleepaway camp night” with Underwood, which goes home with—drumroll, please—the red team.
Later that night, Heather drops a major bombshell on Underwood: She’s never kissed anyone. He handles it like the virgin that he is and gives her the group date rose.
The next day, we finally learn who the first crier of the season is: Tracy. It all started before the rose ceremony when Demi interrupted Tracy’s conversation with Underwood.
Harmless, right? Wrong. Demi was wearing nothing but a robe and then led him upstairs for a “relaxation” session. Namaste.
At the rose ceremony, the Bachelor hands out roses to everyone but Alex, Angelique, Annie and Erika.
Demi has no idea what she’s in for. The Bachelor returns next Monday at 8 p.m. on ABC.
