9 Things You Should Never Say to a Neurodivergent Child, According to a Neuropsychologist

Neurodivergent children, like all children, thrive in a supportive, empathetic and understanding environment. Unfortunately, our society is not always designed to meet their needs, since neurodivergent children often exhibit atypical behaviors and have unique strengths as compared to their neurotypical counterparts. For this reason, even well-meaning people (parents and teachers included) can say incredibly unhelpful things to neurodivergent children if they don’t have adequate experience interacting with them and try to see the world through their eyes. With that in mind, read on for a list of nine things you should never say to a neurodivergent child, according to a neuropsychologist.

Meet the Expert

Dr. Sanam Hafeez is a NYC-based neuropsychologist and Director of Comprehend the Mind, a diagnostic and treatment center for neuropsychological, psychiatric and educational difficulties. She received her doctorate from Hofstra University and completed her postdoctoral work in neuro-developmental psychology at Coney Island Hospital in Brooklyn, NY.

• The Problem: This invalidates the neurodivergent child’s unique experiences and identity.

The expert tells us that neurodivergent children have cognitive differences that result in very different experiences of the world—and that comes with a unique set of strengths and challenges. Nevertheless, neurodivergent children can absolutely thrive, provided that the people around them create a supportive environment in which they feel seen. As such, it’s imperative to avoid statements that fail to recognize the fact that neurodivergence is experienced by every child differently and manifests in myriad ways. For this reason, Dr. Hafeez suggests that you use language “that demonstrates you recognize [the child’s] experience and care enough to deepen your understanding of their distinct point of view, which in turn validates their identity” rather than making assumptions and using phrases that dismiss their differences.

• What to Say Instead: “Everyone experiences [insert neurodivergent condition] differently. Can you share with me how you experience it?”

• The Problem: This statement blames the child for their neurodivergent condition and attacks their character.

Statements like this make the challenges neurodivergent children experience sound like character flaws and, needless to say, they’re decidedly unconstructive (and patently false). As previously mentioned, the world is generally designed with neurotypical folks in mind, so what neurodivergent children need most is feedback from someone who is willing to understand their unique strengths and challenges. 

• What to Say Instead: “It looks like you’re struggling with this. What would help you get started or make it easier for you?”

• The Problem: This dismisses the child’s struggle as well as the efforts they have made and progress they have achieved.

Dr. Hafeez previously explained to me that “neurodivergent individuals are not ‘broken’ or in need of ‘fixing,’ but simply have different ways of processing information and experiencing the world…and we should strive to understand and accommodate these differences, rather than trying to force neurodivergent individuals into neurotypical molds.” Indeed, what neurodivergent children need most is support from open-minded, empathetic people who understand that most of the challenges they face are simply the result of rigid and unhelpful social norms. They also deserve a lot of recognition and validation for the effort they make to adapt to said norms, as well as permission to “just take things slowly if that’s what they need.”

• What to Say Instead: “We’re all learning and growing all the time, and that’s okay. What makes you feel better when things are hard?”

• The Problem: These are damaging comparisons that negatively affect self-esteem and interfere with the child’s ability to celebrate their individuality.

Comparisons like this are damaging to all children (and adults, just saying), but neurodivergent children are particularly vulnerable to comparisons that stigmatize their differences and hurt their self-esteem. In other words, you can file this one under ‘negging.’

• What to Say Instead: “You are wonderful as you are. Let’s focus on your strengths and the things that make you special.”

• The Problem: Neurodivergent children often experience sensory sensitivity, but this statement implies that this is within their control and discourages them from seeking solutions or asking for help.

This one ranks pretty high on the list of pointless and unhelpful comments—namely because it completely dismisses the sensory sensitivities that often go hand-in-hand with neurodivergence and asks the impossible of the child. Instead, the expert recommends that you acknowledge their sensitivity and “open a space for them to share what helps them cope with difficult situations.”

• What to Say Instead: “I know things can feel really overwhelming sometimes. What can we do to make it easier for you?”

• The Problem: This emphasizes negative feelings, whilst invalidating the effort the child is making.

This one shows a complete lack of understanding for the neurodivergent child. The fact of the matter is that these kids are often trying a hell of a lot harder than their neurotypical peers—namely because neurodivergent children have to constantly adjust to circumstances that simply aren’t designed with their needs in mind. That herculean effort should be applauded, not diminished because, as Dr. Hafeez explains, “affirming their effort removes the emphasis from negative emotions such as frustration and failure,” and fosters the confidence neurodivergent children need to, well, keep up the good work.

• What to Say Instead: “You’re trying so hard. I can see that.”

• The Problem: This is dismissive of the child’s pain/emotional experience and provides little encouragement for them to work through it.

This statement is another way of trying to get the neurodivergent child to fit into a neurotypical mold. Neurodivergent children experience things in a way that’s distinct from neurotypical individuals. As a result of these cognitive differences, they might struggle with certain tasks—and it’s not a matter of simply not liking something. For this reason, Dr. Hafeez emphasizes the importance of acknowledging the struggle and using words that illustrate a willingness to work with the child so they can find ways to conquer the challenge.

• What to Say Instead: “I know this is difficult for you. What can we do to make it less stressful?”

• The Problem: This implies that fitting in should be the child’s goal (hint: it shouldn’t) and makes it difficult for them to cultivate self-acceptance and healthy self-esteem.

I have said it before, but it bears repeating: The differences that define neurodivergent children are not a problem; the expectation that they ‘fit in’ definitely is. Instead of saying things that imply you put neurotypical behavior on a pedestal, try celebrating something totally new. By doing so you will “foster acceptance of the true self and reassures the child that fitting in isn’t the goal,” says Dr. Hafeez. (And I think we can all agree that fostering self-acceptance is a far better choice than promoting feelings of inadequacy.)

• What to Say Instead: “You don’t need to be someone else. If you ever do need support, I’m here for you.”

• The Problem: This places blame on the child and emphasizes what they’re doing wrong rather than exploring the underlying issue.

Being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world can breed big feelings, and the way those feelings are expressed can sometimes be misunderstood as misbehavior. That’s not what’s going on though, friends. And, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, it’s high time that folks start communicating with kids who have cognitive differences in a way that makes the world feel like a more flexible and hospitable place.

• What to Say Instead: “I see you’re upset. Take a break, or let’s talk about what’s bothering you.”