The Top 5 Things Kids Worry About, According to Child Therapists

From taxes to death and everything in between—life is full of worry and anxiety for most, if not all, adults…and it turns out that our kids know a thing or two about stress and worry, too. Obviously, the kind of worries you have at nine-years-old differ from those you feel at 39, but kids still require support and reassurance to navigate these uncomfortable feelings…and their worries are actually not as different as you might think.

As the parent of two wonderfully empathetic and oh-so anxious kids, I have quite a bit of firsthand experience when it comes to addressing and helping children work through their worries. But, truth be told, my success rate on that front has left something to be desired, which is why I turned to two leading experts on the subject to learn more about what worries kids and how parents can help.

Ashley Graber and Maria Evans are globally recognized parent coaches and licensed child and family therapists and speakers based in Los Angeles, CA. The pair's teachings combine the wisdom of child and family psychology and their understanding of trauma, bridging Maria's background in researching the effects of the 9/11 attacks on young children at Columbia University, with Ashley's expertise in meditation and mindfulness to show the impact of anxiety on the family and help parents and children find calm in a world of worry.

Before we begin, it’s worth noting that Graber and Evans use the words worry, stress and anxiety interchangeably. There are distinctions between the three terms, but the idea behind lumping them all together (which I will do in this article) is to convey that they are all common feelings for kids to experience, and it’s not something that necessarily needs to be pathologized. With that in mind, read on for the top five things that can trigger these not-so-pleasant feelings and further insight from their new book Raising Calm Kids in a World of Worry.

School takes up a huge chunk of a child’s day, so it should come as no surprise that it can also be a source of stress. “Children often feel pressure around academic performance, homework and tests…and surprisingly, sometimes this pressure doesn’t even come from the parents, but from the academic environment around them or even the kids themselves” say Graber and Evans, adding that “[they] see a lot of perfectionism in young children.” My seven-year-old son has quite a perfectionist streak and something as low-stakes as making a birthday card can turn into a full blown meltdown if he doesn’t like the way his writing looks.

School is the breeding grounds for this one as well, but that’s mainly because it’s where the majority of peer interactions happen. And while it’s natural for kids to compare themselves in terms of appearance, academic performance and social status, the experts say that social media exacerbates these worries significantly: “Social media worsens these concerns by showcasing curated lives, thus amping up feelings of inadequacy. Peer pressure is a reality that kids cannot escape, and only increases as kids try to keep up with trends and seek validation online by way of likes or followers.” Graber and Evans also note that once these seeds of insecurity are planted, it’s not uncommon for kids to worry that they won’t be loved or accepted by their own parents for some part of their identity.

News to no one: a happy home makes for a happier kid. Indeed, Graber and Evans highlight family discord as a contributing factor to both the nature and degree of worry a child might feel, noting that “when there's tension at home, kids often blame themselves. When kids overhear arguments, or become aware that their family members have a fair amount of tension, they tend to feel more anxious in general.” This doesn’t mean you’re the source of your kid’s worry just because you and your partner bickered over something small within earshot. In fact, to a certain degree it can be healthy for kids to witness the everyday tensions that occur between adults, provided that they also get to witness the healthy conflict resolution that follows. 

This one isn’t so different from the worries that grown-ups harbor. According to Graber and Evans, “kids worry about climate change, natural disasters, and other public health concerns. They are smarter and more aware than most adults give them credit for, and these topics that dominate the news have the tendency to make kids anxious.” Such things are often discussed in the classroom, as well, which is positive in many ways—but, as the experts note (and I think most adults can agree), it’s a lot of information to take in.

Being afraid of the dark is a common childhood fear, but others include things like the fear of vomiting, or in the case of my rather morbid nine-year-old daughter, the fear of something terrible happening to me. “Many children develop fear of specific things, like insects, airplanes or the dark…and these fears typically take the form of ‘what if’ questions,” say Graber and Evans, adding that these fears sometimes “reflect deeper concerns about safety and vulnerability.”

I’ve probably got you good and worried by talking about all the things that worry your children, but the experts have a response to that—namely that fear, worry and stress is normal. Or in the words of Graber and Evans: “Worry is part of the fabric of life, and it's a feeling, much like happiness, sadness, or anger. Everyone worries or has anxiety at some point, it's only human. Our brains are designed to worry to keep us safe. Of course, [it’s important] to look at the duration and whether it prevents us from carrying out our everyday lives (i.e., how much space it takes up.) But parents should know that worry, anxiety and fear is part of the human experience.” With that in mind, here are some concrete ways you can help a worried child.

Graber and Evans recommend what they’ve coined as a SAFER parenting methodology, and you can find the breakdown below.

• Set the tone: the first step is for parents to be mindful of how they present both their own emotional state and external circumstances to their children. Obviously, every parent needs some room to be, you know, human, so the suggestion that we should present with serenity at all times might sound like a pipe dream. Don’t worry, that’s not the expectation. Instead, the experts say to “cut yourself some slack and do the best you can,” adding that “having your own self-care routine, as well as a predictable routine at home for your child can really help reduce anxiety.”

• Allow feelings to guide behavior: “We teach parents how important it is for them to validate their children’s feelings, help them feel understood and safe to express their emotions (all of them), and also how to incorporate coping strategies for kids into everyday life, so kids begin to learn how to regulate their nervous systems as they get older,” say Graber and Evans. In other words, if anxiety/stress/worry are just facts of life, then the sooner your child learns how to identify, sit and cope with those feelings, the better off they’ll be.

• Form identity: Remember that bit about self-consciousness being a major source of worry? Well, the experts say that the antidote is to “make sure your child knows unequivocally that you are there for them, and that you really like who they are.” Daily mirror affirmations are a practice I tested out with my daughter and we really enjoyed it, but any kind and reassuring words are welcome throughout the day. Graver and Evans also recommend that parents nurture their children’s interests and ask a lot of questions: “Kids find a lot of joy and calm in talking about their favorite subjects, so let it flow!”
• Engage like a pro: We touched on this already, but there’s more to it than just asking questions and nurturing interests. Per Graber and Evans, “children need parents to learn how to listen and talk without giving advice. Parents have good intentions, but what we often hear from kids is that they feel like their parents try to fix the situation too quickly and miss out on the listening part.” So the next time your kid comes to talk to you about something, just keep it casual and maybe control that impulse to dive in and save the day. Sometimes all a child needs is a parent who can lend an ear. (Over ice cream, perhaps?)