Toxic or Touching: Should Kids Even Have a Best Friend?

There’s enough drama in my nine-year-old daughter’s social life to fuel a soap opera, and one thing I have gleaned is that there’s a lot of vying for “best friend” status. Just the other day, my daughter told me that she had no one to play with at lunch, so I asked her why she didn’t just play with a friend who I’ll call R. Her reply: “Oh, she has a new best friend now.” My instinct was to tell her that there’s no such thing as a best friend and that I’m sure R would have been happy to let her join in. 

PureWow Editor-in-Chief and fellow girl-mom Jillian Quint shares my ambivalent feelings about the whole best friend thing: “I’m so conflicted about the term ‘best friend.’ When my daughter uses it—either about somebody she’s friends with or a pair of friends she observes—I cringe. Can’t we all have lots of friends? Doesn’t having a best friend make somebody feel excluded? Then at the same time, I remember how special it felt to have a best friend growing up, that person who knows you better than anyone else. And I wonder, is it really so bad to split a heart necklace down the middle and wear one half?”

I felt bad for my daughter when I learned that her best friend had branched out, but I also felt uncomfortable with how controlling she sounded when she shared her grievance with me. Why shouldn’t R make new friends if she felt like it? So, I took my questions about BFFs and tween social dynamics to an expert. Read on to find out whether kids should even have a best friend…or if parents should shut the whole notion down.

Jennifer Kelman is a mental health expert on JustAnswer, where she has provided online support to those in need since 2012. In addition to her work on JustAnswer, Kelman has been a licensed clinical social worker for more than 30 years and maintains a private practice specializing in relationships, parenting and children’s mental health issues. 

If you’re wondering whether or not you should dissuade your child from designating someone their best friend, the answer is…nope. “This is completely normal behavior, and what I mean by that is boys and girls at younger ages try on many different things and try on many different friends until they know where they land,” says Kelman. The expert also notes that some of the drama-filled social dynamics that I so dislike do indeed come into play here—and that, too, is normal: “There are a lot of different motivations behind best friends at this age. It could be that you have a new best friend because that person is in the ‘popular group,’ so you drop your old best friend in the hopes you are taken in and your social status is increased.” If your initial reaction to this last part is ew, I’m right there with you, but I was told to reserve judgment. 

“We don’t want to pathologize this behavior,” says Kelman—namely because “it’s a normal milestone, especially for girls who are trying to figure out who they are and who they connect to. In childhood friendships, kids can get proprietary or territorial, too because their identities are shaped around those connections.” My daughter certainly feels territorial when it comes to her close friends, and as normal as it may be, it was also hard to see how hurt she felt when her friend found a new BFF. So Jillian’s suspicion about best friends leaving someone excluded can be confirmed…but what’s a parent to do?

Well, according to the expert, the best thing to do is to just let it ride. It’s also important to leave space for that hurt, because when a new BFF comes onto the scene (even if it only lasts a week or a single school day), it can be experienced as a true loss for a child. “Allow your child to grieve and acknowledge their sadness, but also point out to them that this is an opportunity for them to grow. If one friend has broadened their horizons or decided to try on someone new, so to speak, you should encourage your child to do the same,” says Kelman. And no matter how tempting it can be when your kid complains about BFFs going and returning every other day, try not to be dismissive. It’s a temporary phase that kids grow out of, but while they’re in it, it’s very real for them.

Feeling left out, hurt, uncomfortable—these things are all a normal part of how kids grow up and socialize. It’s also worth noting that there are antidotes to those uncomfortable feelings kids experience as they navigate friendship. Kelman’s own children, Jordyn and Kyle, started an initiative designed to encourage kids to make themselves available—to talk, sit with, make friends with any peer who’s feeling lonely. (You can learn more about their project here. I’m encouraging my daughter to organize her own chapter at the school she attends.) 

So what’s the takeaway? Basically, BFFs are here to stay (or not) and parents needn’t discourage this normal, albeit somewhat off-putting, phase of social growth and discovery. In other words, this too shall pass.