10 Scientifically Proven Strategies for Raising Happy Kids, According to an Early Childhood Expert

The New York Times cites evidence from Harvard Business School that kids reap the benefits when moms work: “In a new study of 50,000 adults in 25 countries, daughters of working mothers completed more years of education, were more likely to be employed and in supervisory roles and earned higher incomes.” Career-oriented mamas may also be doing their future daughter-in-laws a favor, as sons of working mothers are more likely to “spend more time on child care and housework” and look to marry women who work. Being a professional may also be a boon to your kids’ physical health. One study out of the Berlin Social Science Center found moms who work a typical full-time job optimize their offspring’s BMI. “Amongst school aged children (8-14 years) the risk [of obesity] decreased when a mother worked between 35 and 40 hours per week, compared to working shorter (1-24) or longer hours (41 or more) a week.” And from personal experience, I can say that I’m proud my daughter (and son!) know I work, and that they’re proud of me for it.

2. Early Bedtimes: The Key to Raising Well-Rested, Happy Kids

Parents who put their kids to sleep with the sun (or, in summer, well before it sets) not only have significantly more hours for Netflix; they also have children who thrive. “Research consistently shows that putting kids to bed early is beneficial for their physical, emotional, and cognitive development, writes Melinda Wenner Moyer in Slate. One study she cites shows “Across all ages, a late bedtime and having a parent present when the child falls asleep had the strongest negative association with reported sleep patterns,” like trouble falling asleep and more night wakings. Sorry, Kourtney Kardashian. Research also demonstrated that children age three and up “without a consistent bedtime routine were reported to obtain less sleep.” A different study she cites found “toddlers with a bedtime before 9 p.m. slept 78 minutes more than those with a later bedtime.”

I know I’ve certainly been guilty of “uh-huh-ing” my kids in favor of endless scrolling. But Illinois State University family and consumer sciences professor Brandon McDaniel studies the connection between tech-obsessed parents and the resulting behavioral problems in their kids, and it’s sobering. This phenomenon even has a name: “Technoference.” Per the Chicago Tribune, results of McDaniel’s recent study of 170 U.S. parents “showed that the parents who reported problematic or addictive use of technology—checking phones often, feeling lost without them or turning to cellphones when they are lonely—also reported that their relationships with their children were being interrupted. The interruptions led to kids acting out, turning inward with feelings, or exhibiting aggressive behavior or crying spells.”

4. Sing To Your Kids: Why Singing to Your Kids Makes Them Happier

We know that babies recognize their parents’ voices in utero. But the benefits of singing to kids go well beyond bonding. A study out of the University of Montreal demonstrated that singing to babies keeps them calm twice as long as talking to them—good news for showtune-belting mamas everywhere (don’t judge ’til you hear my Eponine). Another study conducted by psychiatrists at Stanford University School of Medicine found that hearing their moms’ voices triggers pro-social responses in kids. Per this research, the strength of a child’s neurological response to hearing his mom’s voice actually “predicted that child’s social communication abilities.” Explained lead author, Dr. Daniel Abrams: “We know that hearing the mother's voice can be an important source of emotional comfort to children. Here, we’re showing the biological circuitry underlying that.” Sally Goddard Blythe, director of the UK’s Institute for Neuro-Physiological Psychology, suggests singing lullabies and nursery rhymes to babies is "an essential precursor to later educational success and emotional well-being." Other experts say it enhances their mathematical and scientific abilities. Bonus: Babies are just as into it whether you sound like Beyoncé or Countess Luann.

Research from the University of Cambridge shows active mothers “appear to have active school-aged children, who are in turn more likely than their less active peers to have good health outcomes.” The science belies the assumption that all kids are natural exercisers. In fact, researchers “saw a direct, positive association between physical activity in children and their mothers—the more activity a mother did, the more active her child.” The upshot? Sweaty moms = healthy kids.

6. Mirror Affirmations: A Morning Routine That Wires the Brain for Happiness

DeAndino is a huge proponent of parents and children incorporating daily affirmations into their routine. “There’s research behind positive affirmations, specifically with a mirror,” says the expert. In fact, this research-backed method helped DeAndino through postpartum depression and inspired her to design a daily affirmation mirror chart—The Mindset Tapestry—that helps promote mental wellness for families. “The mirror component is a core aspect because it provides a sensory experience that encourages children to look, feel and think alongside the affirmation,” explains DeAndino. 

She suggests making it a morning routine—namely because it starts the day on a positive note. “To do it yourself and then see your child mimic 

that and have it become a part of their routine that is extremely powerful. It not only rewires their mindset, but it also rubs off on you and it's almost impossible not to have a great start to your day this way,” says DeAndino.

That said, the practice is valuable at any time you see fit to include it in your schedule. It goes something like this: parent and child sit down in front of the mirror together and take turns saying one positive thing about themselves while making eye contact with their own reflection. For what it’s worth, I gave the method a try with a regular mirror and my two kids at my side. I felt foolish at first, but ultimately I really enjoyed looking into my own eyes and speaking a positive truth about myself…though after a few rounds, I felt a little bit like I was going to cry. (Apparently, it would have been a-OK if I had, but more on that below.) My children also enjoyed it and agreed it was a healing, bonding exercise that we’d like to repeat.

To be honest, I have had a hell of a time recently. Close family loss and grief have made me, well, something just shy of a shining beacon of happiness of late. When DeAndino suggested the mirror affirmation method, I told her I thought I was too emotionally fragile and would freak my kids out by crying. To my surprise, the expert had a very refreshing take on this fear: “Being vulnerable and crying just humanizes you. We’re not robots, and showing your children that only helps build their emotional intelligence and teaches empathy.” Amen.

8. Explain Your Decisions: How Treating Your Child with Respect Can Shape Their Well-Being

Per the expert, us Millennial parents are generally a more enlightened lot…but many of us can still remember what it feels like to hear the dreaded word ‘no’ from a parent who wasn’t so inclined to explain their decision-making. “It’s important to just talk to [your child] about why you're making certain decisions, particularly ones that are upsetting to them,” says DeAndino, adding that, “in our generation we were just told no, but nobody ever told us why. We just had to accept ‘no,’ which is not really great. You can’t expect a kid to properly cope with that. They’re smart, and should be able to understand your reasoning.”

In other words, setting boundaries and making sensible decisions on behalf of your children are essential aspects of parenting, but that doesn’t mean you should dispense with basic respect in the process. Kids can understand a lot more than we give them credit for, and taking the time to explain your choices can go a long way towards making them feel like they’re being cared for, rather than controlled.

As a former public school educator, DeAndino saw firsthand how the rigid structure of the school day fails to meet the needs of children. Do our kids need to go to school? Yes. Do they need to spend the afternoon sitting on the couch staring at screens after seven hours of being confined to a chair at a desk? No. For this reason, DeAndino emphasizes the importance of including ample free play time, be it physical activity (see above) or simply unstructured creative time spent indoors. The happiest kids are ones who experience boredom and are given the freedom to come up with creative forms of entertainment for themselves.

The expert does note the importance of outdoor time as a meaningful and mindful experience for children: ”it sounds so simple and so cliche, but put your feet on the ground, plant them in the grass. That is grounding.” And yet, the same principle of simplicity applies to indoor play as well, which is why DeAndino points out that parents should aim to bring their kids back to the basics. Give them free time to use their imagination without the help of technology. (Or in my case, maybe I will encourage my nine-year-old daughter to do more pretend play with her Barbies instead of watching some weird middle-aged woman animate them on YouTube.)

10. Start a Meditation Practice: How Visualizing Helps Create the Conditions for Happier Kids

A child’s environment has a huge influence on how happy they are, which is why some of the key strategies for raising happier children involve being happier yourself. In my conversation with DeAndino we both agreed that a lot of times, parenting feels like you’re actually in trenches…and on bad days, it’s like a war you can’t win. How do I get the baby to sleep? When will I find time to wash all these dishes? How will I pay the bills? When will I even have time to pay the bills?

In these trying moments it’s easy to become overwhelmed and start feeling powerless and, well, depressed. Happiness is not an emotional state that anyone needs to feel all the time—that’s an unreasonable expectation that no parent should hold themselves to. Still, the expert emphasizes the importance of self-care and strongly recommends that stressed out parents (and chances are you fall into that category if you’re reading this story) try to spend 15 minutes a day meditating with the intention of visualizing what they want in their lives. And no, visualizing isn’t magic. The expert confirms that you won’t open your eyes and find yourself in the McMansion of your dreams, or even a clean kitchen just because you visualized it. Still, this practice is important for mental health because “it stops you from defaulting to a negative viewpoint and gives you a clear, optimistic view of your future so you don’t go down the rabbit hole,” says DeAndino, adding that this daily self-care routine can be energizing and inspire positive action when done consistently.

Needless to say, parents who project an optimistic energy are modeling a very positive thing for their children, and the good vibes do rub off on them. Still, it bears repeating that mom (or dad) guilt is not particularly conducive to self-care. You’re not raising an unhappy child just because you have bad days, or sad days (or in my case a-whole-lot-of-yelling days). The meditation practice is there to help you reorient yourself and show your kids that happiness doesn’t mean always having a smile on your face, sometimes it simply looks like mindfulness…and hope.