How to Teach Kids Manners: Parenting Tips for Polite Kids, According to a Child Therapist

It might feel excessively Downton Abbey-ish to say “excuse me,” “please,” “thank you” and “you’re welcome” every time you interact with your family, nanny, neighbors and mom friends, but you can teach your child a lot by example if you do so. The work doesn’t end there, though, since what you want is a polite and thoughtful child, not a parrot.

2. Don’t Force Good Manners

Even if you’ve been modeling good manners in your day-to-day interactions, you might still be making one big mistake—namely by putting words in your kid’s mouth. Kelman says that doing the polite thing on your child’s behalf is a whole lot better than the old stand-by prompt of “what do you say…?” Per the expert, this approach is actually pretty cringy: “If you hang around parents with young toddlers and someone hands their kid a cookie, the parent usually jumps in and says, ‘oh, little Emma, make sure you say thank you to sweet Jennifer. She gave you a cookie.’ But that’s not teaching, that’s forcing,” explains Kelman.

What’s so wrong with forcing, you ask? Well, if you think about it, you give your kids eight million orders a day—from “Put away your Legos” to “Don’t pull your pants down in the parking lot.” But if you command rather than model polite behavior, both in public and in private, your child will likely obey without any real understanding as to why it should be done. “In that way the child has only become a robot and parroted what they think they’re supposed to do at that time because the parent told them to,” says Kelman. Obviously, the problem here is that when you’re not around to tell them to be polite, they probably won’t be. They’re also not being given the opportunity to develop the thoughtful and empathic instincts that are the foundation of good manners.

For this reason, Kelman recommends doing the polite thing for your child (and in front of them), and then having a private conversation later about the scenario to the effect of: Wasn’t it so nice for Suzy’s mom to give you that cookie earlier? Did you notice how mama said thank you to her? That’s because when somebody does something nice and the other person acknowledges it with a ‘thank you,’ it makes them feel really good. And when you make someone feel good, you feel good, too.

Bottom line: The new, enlightened approach is not to use your parental authority to force politeness, but rather to model and then explain—preferably at a time and place where your child won’t feel embarrassed or ashamed (i.e., in the car on the way home from a playdate). And it’s worth emphasizing that shaming and scolding has absolutely no place in this process, but we’ll expound on that later.

3. Don’t Treat Your Kid Like a Third Wheel

You may be desperate to interact with other grown-ups—say, by grabbing a quick coffee with a child-free friend—even if that means dragging your kid along. But ignore your child at your own peril. He will almost certainly act out to get your attention. Instead, maintain physical and eye contact with your kids around other adults and make sure to include them (in age-appropriate ways) in the conversation whenever possible. And yes, that might not be the kind of socializing you were craving—but that’s why Kelman strongly suggests that parents carve out alone time, be it when their kid is at school or when the babysitter is free, so they can have those adult interactions without their child around.

One mom we know shares a gentle, ingenious tip for quieting a child eager to interrupt two adults in conversation: When your kid wants your attention but you are busy, say, speaking with her pediatrician, teach her to place her hand on your wrist and wait; then you place your hand over hers to acknowledge her while you finish up your chat. Kelman has a similar suggestion that involves a gentle verbal explanation to the tune of “I would love to hear what you have to say, honey, but I’m listening to another adult right now. Let me finish listening and then I will come find you to hear what you wanted to share.”

5. Have Ongoing Conversations About Caring

We touched on this already when talking about Kelman’s model-and-explain approach, but it’s imperative to have quiet talks with your kid about sharing, cleanup time, respecting others’ personal space and all the other things that make other people feel good. You can do this on the way to and from playdates, or whenever the occasion arises, so it’s clear to your child not just what’s expected of them, but also why it matters. Again, these empathy lessons should take place in private and at a time when all is calm, particularly if you’re addressing the biggest hurdle of all (i.e., understanding why and when to say you’re sorry).

6. Rethink Your Notion of Misbehavior

At the end of the day, our obsession with raising polite children can actually stand in the way of effective parenting and cause us to judge our own children for what is ultimately developmentally appropriate behavior.

“Whether it’s a potty mouth, whether they said please and thank you, whether they're acting like a morose adolescent who doesn't greet and acknowledge a family member or friend that's come over—it’s so common for parents to jump in and try to rescue that space. But the interesting thing is, it would be better to be vulnerable,” says Kelman, adding that “every parent has been in that situation, and the judgment you’re feeling is, more likely than not, coming more internally than it is externally.”

In other words, that mom who gave your kid a cookie probably didn’t even notice she wasn’t thanked—and the sooner you can shed that fear of judgment and the knee-jerk reaction that follows, the better equipped you’ll be to teach your children about manners in a meaningful and enduring way. And, most importantly, without even a whiff of shaming, which I think we can all agree is a pretty negative parenting technique.

There are plenty of age-appropriate TV shows that model good manners, and watching them together is a great way to ensure screen time is actually constructive. Daniel Tiger, Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood and even zanier choices like Blippi can give younger kids a good sense of what respectful behavior looks like. And because these shows focus on teaching the basic principle of kindness rather than laying down specific rules, they impart an understanding of how to navigate the world with mindfulness and respect, which is a skill that will certainly come in handy, since (as previously discussed) the best approach doesn’t involve hovering around and nudging them.

8. Praise Your Child

Kids, and humans in general, respond much better to positive feedback than scolding. Try to avoid reprimanding your child—chances are whatever ‘rude’ thing they did was actually just an innocent and developmentally appropriate behavior—and instead focus your efforts on praising your child whenever you notice that some of the conversations you’ve had are positively influencing their actions.

9. Play Games That Teach Manners

Pretend play presents parents with an excellent opportunity to teach toddlers and preschoolers the basics of good manners. Go ahead and let your little one be the server at a pretend restaurant so you can show exactly how you interact with someone in that context. Or have a stuffed animal tea party where all the attendees are very gracious. As children get older, regular game play (board games, card games, etc.) are useful for teaching things like turn taking, honesty and good sportsmanship.

10. Read Books That Emphasize Social Emotional Learning

There are plenty of children’s books around that emphasize social emotional learning. I love What Should Darla Do? for an interactive read that teaches kids about right and wrong, polite and rude, while empowering them to make their own good choices in a variety of situations. At the end of the day, when it comes to being well-mannered, it’s not about saying empty words, it’s about having strong social-emotional skills.

Socialization happens naturally, friends, and it starts during infancy. As such, it’s best not to get caught up on a rigid set of rules or a specific timeline. Toddlers will grab things without asking, preschoolers will receive things without saying thank you, grade schoolers will make gross jokes at the dinner table. It’s all normal, and yes, some teaching should happen as these situations arise. Simply talk to your child in an age-appropriate way (i.e., using language they can understand) about particular behaviors and keep the conversation gentle and non-judgmental.  And if you’re not clear on what this actually looks like, just scroll up for the cookie example.

What Key Manners Should I Teach My Child

Per the expert, teaching kids manners has less to do with rigid etiquette and more to do with the underlying principle of kindness. After all, the behaviors we perceive to be polite are based on precisely that. Yes, by a certain age, children should say ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ but the key point is that you really frame the conversation in a way that ensures they understand the value of these words—that they show appreciation and that makes everyone feel good. In other words, focus less on hard and fast rules and more on the substance of the matter so that your child can make praise-worthy choices on their own.

What to Do When Your Child Doesn’t Use Their Manners

As previously mentioned, reprimanding or correcting your child at that moment isn’t generally the best response. Instead, own your discomfort and leave space for your child’s behavior. Remind yourself that you aren’t likely being judged (and if you are, screw ‘em). As a parent myself, I know this is exceedingly hard to do and I struggle a lot personally with feeling self-conscious and not wanting my kids to be perceived negatively. However, the expert says the best thing you can do is just to get past those feelings, keep your composure and wait for a better moment to address the issue with a gentle conversation, not a talking-to.

Recapping How to Teach Kids Manners

To sum it up, the most effective way to teach kids manners is to model them yourself and then to create an open dialogue about why one might behave one way instead of another. In other words, don’t just impose the should, explain it. Lean into conversations about feelings so that kids can learn about empathy and respect for others. And above all, try to avoid shaming them—it’s totally natural for them to not know all this stuff already.