9 Questions to Ask Yourself (and Your Partner) Before Having Another Kid

You’ve already brought one or two or maybe even several bundles of joy into this world and you’re tempted to do it again. (It is a pretty miraculous and rewarding endeavor, after all.) That said, there are some important questions to ask yourself and your partner before having another kid. Fortunately, we spoke to a certified sex therapist and relationship expert to get a rundown on the best conversation starters to pursue before you ditch your contraception.

Dr. Nan Wise, PhD is a certified sex therapist, relationship specialist, neuroscience researcher, and author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. She has garnered international recognition for her research that addresses gaps in the literature regarding the neural basis of human sexuality.

This one might seem obvious, but it’s actually one of the most important questions you need to ask yourself before getting pregnant—no matter how many children you’ve brought into the world to date. “This is a super critical question to ask because I think people’s beliefs often include a lot of shoulds,” says Dr. Wise.

In other words, there might be personally held beliefs, or sometimes just outside noise, that can influence your family planning. Some examples the expert gives include the belief that an only child will be maladjusted (not true) or a desire to meet someone else’s expectations, be it your partner or a pair of overbearing grandparents. Alas, the only should that you should take into account is the importance of reevaluating those factors before committing yourself to having another child.

This probably goes without saying, but if you float the idea of having another child to your partner (because you have determined that your own motivation is sound) and you register a note of ambivalence in their response, it might be wise to hold off. “You both need to be really honest,” says Dr. Wise, adding that “this is a very important opportunity to have deep preparatory conversations.” Indeed, the way those conversations play out will be a pretty useful indicator of whether it’s time to start preparing for a new addition or table the discussion temporarily.

Timing is everything, which is why the expert recommends you ask both yourself and your partner that question before proceeding with any baby making plans. Did you just start a new job? Have you recently upgraded to a bigger home? Is your biological clock trying to tell you that your fertile years are numbered (or perhaps that if you wait much longer you just won’t have enough energy for the whole ordeal)? Have you and your partner had conversations about what you both agree is an ideal age gap?

At the end of the day, introducing another child to the home is a huge undertaking. Or, as Dr. Wise puts it: “If you have only one child and you’re going to have a second child, it’s important to know that one plus one does not make two. If you’re going from two to three kids, or three to four, the curve is even steeper.” In other words, don’t underestimate the workload. (As a mother of two who once naively believed that one plus one is two, I can say that Dr. Wise is absolutely right and that the workload increases exponentially—and that’s why it’s ideal to find the *just right* time to take on the new challenge.)

Your toddler is tugging on your clothes while you’re preparing the buttered noodles, the baby just woke up from a nap and started screaming…and you can’t be in two places at the same time. Naturally, in these situations tension can occur between partners (especially if your SO decides to spend a whole freakin’ hour in the bathroom while said chaos is underway.) This is just one example of the exponential workload increase that was previously discussed; how a relationship adapts to it is an entirely different matter. For this reason, Dr. Wise recommends that you ask yourself and your partner where the wear and tear will most likely happen in your relationship. What are the sore spots? Where do you guys currently experience communication breakdowns? The expert tells us that conflict is totally normal and OK, but it’s always smart to try to anticipate when it will occur before making a major life change. (And if conflict occurs during this conversation to such an extent that communication screeches to a halt, that’s a red flag and an indicator that you should probably hold off.)

Remember what a big life change it was when you welcomed your first child into your home? Take some time to consider what adding another one to your brood is going to do. It’s a big question, but don’t worry—we’ll break it down into digestible pieces.

• Financial resources: Do you and your partner have the money or the family help to procure all of the baby gear you need to accommodate a new addition, or have you planned the pregnancy with the intention of using all of the older child’s stuff? Babies are expensive…and I hate to say it, but that business about them being born with a loaf of bread under their arm is simply not true.
• Mental health: There’s pregnancy fatigue, hormonal changes that can cause postpartum depression and anxiety—and I’d be remiss not to mention (in case you forgot) that sleep deprivation can make anyone feel completely crazy. As such, it’s a good idea to evaluate your mental health and the supportive resources you have available to you in the event that your emotional stability suffers temporarily at any point during the pregnancy and postpartum period.
• Relationship strain: We covered this one already, but it bears repeating. Unless you and your SO are both unicorns, another child will undoubtedly strain your partnership in one way or another. (Sadly, there’s ample research that confirms this fact.) Consider that potential impact carefully. Again, conflict is natural and the healthy kind is certainly not a huge deal; however, it’s important that you both feel very confident that you have a strong foundation and that relationship satisfaction is high before you introduce the new burden, er, baby to the home.

Let’s talk about age gaps and parental stamina: “You need to factor in your energy level. So you want to space it so you still have the energy, and also in a way where the youngest [i.e., the soon to be older one] is a little bit more able to be aware and independent,” says Dr. Wise. Understandably, a lot of parents try to have kids in close succession—namely because they believe that the smaller age gap will facilitate a close emotional bond between the two siblings and also because it comes with some practical advantages, like shared toys and interests. There might also be a (very understandable) desire to get the whole family building project over with as quickly as possible.

Dr. Wise acknowledges all of this, but also emphasizes the importance of adequate attention and attunement for every child—a decidedly difficult thing to provide when you’re torn in two different directions trying to meet the needs of both a newborn and a toddler.

Here, Dr. Wise really leans into the concept of ‘the good enough parent,’ a phrase first coined by Winnicott. What that means in practice is really up to you to determine, but the gist of it is that there is no perfect parent; the good enough parent holds themselves to a pretty high standard, nevertheless, and prioritizes emotional attunement and QT with all the children in the household to the best of their ability. Bottom line: Assess your bandwidth and be realistic with your thinking so that your intuition can be a better guide.

Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Oh, and consider the hectic playground visits, too. Age gap really comes to the forefront when asking and answering this question, since slightly older kids are more self-sufficient and have acquired the language skills and general knowledge of the way things work to understand the new family dynamic when a sibling is introduced. For what it’s worth, my kids are two years apart and I waited nine years to enjoy the sublime pleasure of sitting and zoning out on a park bench while they do their stuff in the jungle gym. (When I ask myself these questions—and I currently am—the thought of having to go down slides and climb play structures again does indeed cross my mind.)

A lot of these questions are interlinked. We already mentioned the importance of exploring financial questions and mental health factors, but it doesn’t hurt to really get into the nitty-gritty. For example, do you have family nearby who are willing and able to provide free (or reduced cost) babysitting services—and if so, how often? Otherwise, what daycare options are available to you and can you afford them? Not to put too fine a point on it, but the good old days of “nap when the baby naps” are most likely a thing of the past when you already have another child in the home, so the bigger the village, the better.

If you’re already a parent, you and your partner have likely negotiated all this before. And it’s no small task. Who resumes work and when? Who wakes up to soothe/feed the baby every two hours? Who cooks dinner and who washes the bottles? The point is that when you have another child the whole agreement might need to be revisited. Dr. Wise points out that “you need to be really clear before you have another kid—what are your partner’s expectations and how willing are they? Because when you have two partners and two kids, that means one partner per kid and no one really gets time off.” Unless, that is, you figure out a way to work time off into your arrangement with your SO, which is decidedly best done before there’s a baby on your bosom.