3 Things a Sleep Expert Would Never Say to a Toddler at Bedtime—and One That’s a Game Changer

You parented the hell out of this day. You provided three tasty balanced meals (with broccoli!); you planned a playdate with a bestie! You even foresaw an impending breakdown over an Elsa dress, so you brought a backup because you are just THAT on top of things. Kudos to you. And now, the day is winding down, and there’s just one more tiny little hurdle: bedtime. *Shivers* 

Look, as a parent to a 3-year-old, I’m no fool. Bedtime is not for the faint of heart. As good as your day was with said toddler, come sundown, no matter how much energy they exerted at the Bubble Museum or how tired they seem after bath, it’s in a toddler’s DNA to pull out all the stops to not go to bed, forcing you into a tailspin between the hours of 7 p.m. and, dare we say, 10 p.m. (no judgment). But could toddler bedtime be as easy as keeping to a few key phrases? I spoke with sleep expert Macall Gordon to learn how to keep up the momentum of that great day into bedtime. 

Macall Gordon is a senior lecturer in the graduate counseling psychology program at Antioch University. She is a certified Gentle Sleep Coach (trained by Kim West) and a featured provider on the women's telehealth platform, Maven Clinic. Her book, Why Won't You Sleep?!: A Game-Changing Approach for Exhausted Parents of Nonstop, Super Alert, Big Feeling Kids, hits shelves in November 2024. 

First, let’s get to the “why.” WHY, come 7:45 p.m., is little Harper suddenly instilled with a rambunctious energy typically reserved for a first visit to Disney? Gordon shares three likely possibilities.

Says Gordon, “Engaged, busy toddlers just don’t want to turn all of that off to go to bed.”

“Starting at 2 years old, children discover that their thoughts are separate from the parents’ thoughts. That means, explains Gordon, they can have different ideas for how things go. (This is the source of the “no” phenomenon.) If parents say, ‘It’s time to go to bed,’ the toddler is now able to think, ‘I don’t like that idea. I’m going to have a different idea and my idea is to keep playing.’”

“A persistent little one can wear parents down,” shares Gordon. (Guilty.) “If there are lots of bedtime struggles and meltdowns, parents will do just about anything to make it all a little easier. An extra book? Sure. Different pajamas? Okay, whatever. Another drink of water? Alright, but please just get in bed! The unintended effect is that the child figures out that if they just fight you, they will be able to put off bedtime.” (Sounds like Gordon has my number…)

“This one is huge,” shares Gordon. “As adults, when we’re pooped, we slow down. We get droopy. Little ones don’t get tired, they get wired and speed up. If you have a young one who seems like they’re on a caffeine buzz way past their bedtime, they sort of are. Don’t wait for your toddler to ‘look’ tired. Somewhere around 7 or 7:30, most toddlers need to be in bed, lights out. Don’t wait.”

Why this doesn’t work: There’s no “just for tonight” in a toddler's brain. If it’s good tonight, what’s different about tomorrow night? If three books are okay tonight, then why can’t we do four books tomorrow?

Why it doesn’t work: Future rewards rarely work for younger kiddos. They have to give up something they want now (you to stay with them, an extra book, etc.) for a sticker that they save up for some reward in the distant future (to them). The math doesn’t work for them. If you do a reward, it has to be immediate (or at least the very next morning).

Why it doesn’t work: While it’s normal to feel like you’re losing your grip when bedtime is a three-ring circus, it’s really important to try to keep things somewhat boring. Children gravitate to where we put our energy, even if it’s exasperated energy. Work on reining in the shenanigans with a good plan and then…be boring.

Why this works: “Saying nothing or at least the bare minimum is the best strategy. For verbal little ones, too many words just keeps the conversation going and gives them ammunition to hook you in. Try to use as few words as humanly possible once the lights are out. Even better, just shush or use ‘night-night’ as your words. You can use this strategy to signal that conversation time is over for the day.”

Try to: Make a plan

Why this works: “Without a plan, parents are caught in an unwinnable situation at bedtime: a curveball gets thrown at you by the child (‘I’m hungry. I want a banana.’). The parent knows if they say yes, now there’s snack time every night. If they say no, there’s going to be a massive meltdown. Rock, meet hard place. PLAN AHEAD. Make a chart that has everything that can (and therefore can’t) happen. If it’s not on the chart, it’s off the table for that night. Once two books are read, books are done. Avoid having to make decisions in the moment when everyone is tired, and a meltdown (your or theirs) is just one eggshell away,” Gordon shares.