Your Kid Is Fighting with Mine. Do We Need to Talk About It?

• Gigi Schweikert is a parenting and education expert and the CEO of Lightbridge Academy, an early childhood education and development center that aims to support the evolving needs of families.

• Sandra L. Whitehouse is a senior psychologist and senior director at the Child Mind Institute, an organization dedicated to transforming the lives of children and families struggling with mental health and learning disorders by giving them the help they need.

My own son has had his fair share of playground squabbles. Most relate to decisions about what games to play, but there was a time last year when things escalated and another child hit him. (The teacher alerted us and the school handled things.) Still, I struggled with whether or not to contact the other parents to talk things through—or leave things be and let the kids navigate the conflict on their own. Schweikert says the first thing to do is consider the stakes. “When navigating the decision-making process, you need to look at the severity of the incident, the existing relationship between the kids and any recurring patterns,” she explains. In other words, was anyone hurt? How was the issue handled or resolved? Is there an ongoing pattern of conflict between these two kids? How is your child feeling post-fight or the next day? Answering these questions will guide your next steps.

My son wasn’t hurt, the teacher alerted us to the conflict and he seemed fine a few hours later. (In fact, when I brought it up during our bathtime routine, he looked at me blankly and said, “Huh?”) So, was it OK to let him navigate the relationship with his friend from here?

Yes, says Whitehouse, who elaborates that it’s our job as parents is to raise our children so they don’t need us anymore; they should be able to tolerate distress, navigate challenges, problem-solve, negotiate and compromise to reach a solution. Basically, we need to teach them how to function as independent adults. “If we jump in to fix things that children can solve on their own, this hinders their ability to tolerate some uncertainty and develop skills to become self-sufficient,” Whitehouse explains. (The last thing you want to do is create a feedback loop where a child experiences a problem, doubts their own problem-solving abilities and comes to you to be rescued…on repeat.)

So, what’s the right move? Whitehouse references The Scaffold Effect by Harold S. Koplewicz: If your kid comes to you, you want to validate their experience, then support and encourage them to select the right tool to handle the particular conflict all by themselves. “They may choose wrong and then you can guide them to consider why that particular tool wasn’t the right choice,” she explains. But ultimately it comes down to trusting your instincts—and your kid.

“Let’s say there’s a continued risk of physical harm, bullying took place or tension between kids seems to be escalating,” Schweikert says. “That’s the moment to intervene.” To do this, you can start by listening to your child and also acknowledging that you have their back. (“It’s important to convey that you understand if the problem had an easy solution, they would have already fixed it,” Whitehouse says.) From there, partner with your kid to map out next steps.

“Try to have some guidelines to help you decide which problems you can support your child in solving on their own and which problems you should step in and help with, which might include reaching out to other parents, teachers, therapists and more,” Whitehouse adds. For example, maybe they argued with a friend over a recess soccer score or can’t stand that a peer always budges in line in the cafeteria. That’s a conflict they can handle. But if you notice a conflict with a larger scope and with sustained emotional impact—say, persistent bullying, social media intimidation or violent outbursts—that’s when you need to sound the alarm.

Before you approach another parent, start by making sure you pick the right time and place to talk. “It’s important for parents to prepare themselves and also to choose the right setting where each parent feels comfortable to express their concerns and have enough time to discuss the topic fully,” Schweikert says. (For example, if a parent is rushing from drop-off to work, that’s not the right time to bring something up.) From there, try to listen and stay calm, but most importantly, keep your focus on the common goal of helping both kids find a resolution. “Avoid texting back and forth,” Whitehouse says. “Then, aim to approach the parent with openness and interest, show concern and validate their concerns.”

Let’s say one parent is open to meeting and discussing; the other is not. You always have the option to engage a third party (for example, a teacher or anyone else that can offer a neutral point of view). But if the conversation isn’t going nowhere, it’s OK to take a step back, agree to disagree and return to the issue later, Whitehouse says. In fact, you can encourage your kid to do the same and take some space from their peer. After all, not every conflict ends happily, and that’s as valuable a life-lesson as any.