What Your Birth Order Says About Your Parenting Style

Whether you’re the oldest kid in your family or the youngest (oops, let’s not forget about the middles), you’ve likely heard some stereotypes about what your birth order says about you. You know the ones—firstborns are the responsible leaders of the family, middle children are the left-out peacemakers while lastborns are attention seeking yet charming. And if you’re a parent, you may even have seen this particular dynamic play out with your own kids. But what you may not have considered is how your birth order affects your parenting style.

I tapped licensed family therapist Kate Morton to explain the correlation between birth order and childrearing. Admittedly, I’m particularly interested in the topic at the moment since I’m currently expecting my third kid but I’m not the only one—the topic of birth order is undeniably trendy; Morton recently broke down the eight signs of “eldest daughter syndrome” in a TikTok video that has been viewed over six million times and was recently featured in a New York Times article titled, "Why Your Big Sis Resents You.” Here’s what she has to say about it. 

Kati Morton, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, best-selling author and highly sought-after speaker in the field of mental health. She has a master's in clinical psychology from Pepperdine University and has contributed to national publications such as the New York Times, USA Today, The Hollywood Reporter, Glamour UK, Bustle, INSIDER, HUFFPOST and more.

Per Morton, the answer is a resounding yes. “Birth order can shape personality traits and behaviors, which can influence parenting styles. For example, firstborns may be more structured and authoritative, while middle children might be more flexible and diplomatic, and youngest children may adopt a more relaxed and permissive parenting style.”

In particular, the expert explains that where you fall in the sibling lineup can shape your approach on responsibilities, relationships and authority. But what does that look like, exactly? Answers below. 

First borns truly are special when compared to their younger siblings (but you knew that already, right?). Think about it—your parents were completely inexperienced until you came along. As such, they may have been stricter and more anxious with you, not to mention held you to higher standards than your little bro. But what happens when the oldest child becomes a parent themselves? “In many ways, the oldest child can feel like they have been parenting since they were young,” says Morton. “This is all because they are reflecting their own upbringing, where they were often expected to set an example for younger siblings.” While this may have led to some resentment growing up, it also means you likely entered the roller coaster journey of parenting with more experience and confidence than middle or youngest children.

And because your own parents treated you so differently compared to your siblings, perhaps it’s no surprise that you have some perfectionist, independent and—dare we say—controlling tendencies. When it comes to parenting, this has some real deal benefits, like being highly structured (your toddler has never missed a nap) and goal-oriented (your daughter says she wants to make the swim team this year so you’d better believe it’s going to happen). The downside? You’re likely thought of as the parent who isn’t any fun. Womp.

Side note: When it comes to only children, this group shares a lot of similarities with first borns in that they didn't have to compete for their parents' attention (a scenario only kids get to enjoy forever rather than just a short while) and often have a lot of expectations placed upon them. As such, only kids are often very mature, responsible and perfectionistic, which when they become parents themselves, may play out similarly to the first borns described above.

“Compared to oldest and youngest children, middle children are generally more flexible, egalitarian, and skilled in interpersonal dynamics,” says Morton. “This is often because, growing up, they had to balance relationships, be the peacekeeper and support both their older and younger siblings.” How does this translate when middle children grow up and become parents themselves? For one, they’re excellent negotiators (so yeah, you’ll want a parent who was a middle kid around at your next playdate or PTA meeting). They’re also very patient, a trait that’s sure to come in handy when helping your kid with their long division homework.

As for the stereotype of middle kids receiving less attention at home (since they were neither the beloved firstborn nor the adored baby of the family), well, there’s research to suggest that this may indeed be (at least partially) true. But as it turns out, this could have some benefits when middle children become parents themselves. Specifically, this lack of attention results in more empathy and independence, which one study found translates into middle children striking that perfect balance of giving kids structure and rules combined with the freedom to make choices.

One of the challenges that middles face as parents, however, is that they tend to dislike conflict. As such, they may avoid addressing problems in their relationships. Remember middles: It’s actually good for kids to see their parents fight—just make sure you’re modeling how to effectively disagree and make up, not teaching your offspring bad habits.

The baby of the family is often, well, babied. Combine all that extra parental attention with less discipline, and it’s no wonder youngest kids have an easy-going, laid-back and even rebellious reputation. “Unlike oldest and middle children, youngest children are generally more relaxed, permissive and playful,” says Morton. So it should come as no surprise that they typically parent in a less structured and more fun way as well. (Hey, there’s a reason why all the kids in the neighborhood want to sleep over at your house.)

And that’s not the only cool thing about this group. Per the expert, in addition to being fun parents, youngest children can also encourage creativity more so than eldest and middle children. “This is because they are usually less burdened by expectations and enjoy a more carefree role in the family,” she says. Your older sibling might have felt pressured to color inside the lines, but not you. (No wonder your kid got an A+ on his art project!)

Youngest kids may want to keep in mind that parenting isn’t all fun and games, however. Kids need structure and boundaries—even if that means you sometimes have to be the “bad” guy.

Wherever you fall in the sibling chain, you may be wondering if your birth order makes you predetermined to give your offspring counterpart some type of special treatment. And, well, the answer is is yes (probably).

Take the case of being the oldest, for example. “If we were the oldest, we can find ourselves relating more to our eldest child,” says Morton.. “This could mean we place even more pressure on them or that we understand how overwhelming that can be and instead show them more empathy and compassion.” And the same goes for if you are the middle child and have a middle child of your own or if you’re the youngest and have a youngest yourself. “It all depends on whether or not we feel that our birth order affected us, and if we do then it can more definitely show up in the way we parent our own children.”

Of course, birth order (and indeed, family history) is just one of many, many factors that can influence how you raise your kids so take the above information with a grain of salt. As the youngest kid in my family, I’d like to think that I’m a fun parent who also knows how to hold boundaries with my kids. (You know, as long as the boundaries aren’t a total bummer.)