I’m not one to watch much film or television—aside from the occasional K-drama on Netflix, Wes Anderson film for the 20th time and Jane Austen adaptation, you can count me out. Truthfully, I’d rather be reading. However, I’m currently in the process of writing a romantic comedy, and until earlier this year had never been on a date. In addition to setting up dating app profiles, I decided that I needed to further my research on love by delving into the realm of The Bachelor. If art imitates life, then what better way to gather inspiration than taking notes on the drama (!) and scandal (!) of one of the world’s most beloved (and hated) shows about romance? Here are two things I discovered—beyond the fact that yes, it’s totally 100/10 *cringe*.
I’m 27 and I’d Never Watched Reality TV Before This Season of ‘The Bachelorette’ (& Boy Do I Have Thoughts)
too much projectidating
It Violates Every Dating Rule—Ever
PureWow has dispensed plenty of dating advice—from encouraging contra-dating to explaining TikTok’s (useful) Bird Test Theory. After watching the premiere of The Bachelorette, it was quickly apparent to me that this show has tossed every piece of good dating advice to the sea. But rules are made to be broken, you say. Yes, if it actually serves a productive purpose. I don’t know about anyone else, but the show’s 20 percent success rate doesn’t make the case for me. That’s not even a passing grade for AP European History.
The number one reg flag I see in this season is that everyone is projectidating. Coined by PureWow’s relationships editor, Sydney Meister, she defines it as “projecting your unconscious desires or emotions onto another person while overlooking unattractive traits.” And my OH my, there are so many traits in the contestants that are giving me the ick. They’re gossipy. Self-centered. Self-righteous. Downright rude bullies. And they all have the same mantra: Jen is so beautiful. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted. First, my man, you have known her for…three days? And my girl, the guy you say you have insane sexual chemistry with is running his mean mouth about everyone else when you’re not in the room! If he’s trash talking others, he wouldn’t hesitate to trash talk you. Just wait ‘till the honeymoon period is over. Now, I’m not an expert, but I’m willing to wager that none of these men would pass the Olive Theory Test. Yep. Not one strikes me as someone who could sacrifice for someone else.
The Bachelor Et al. are wild experiments in speed dating, with middling results. The trauma dumping! The heavy makeout sessions! The ball gowns! The extreme activities! The trash talk. Let’s be real: If *I* did this on a first date—or the first three months of dating—I would immediately be labeled a psycho. (And vice versa for my date.)
We Live for Schadenfreude—If You Have Pretty Privilege
So, in case you hadn’t figured it out already—I think The Bachelor is quite possibly the worst television I’ve ever watched. But why do I keep showing up? (Besides the obvious answer of doing research, of course.) Perhaps you’re familiar with the term “schadenfreude,” a German word to describe the pleasure we feel at others’ misfortunes. There’s something vaguely…satisfying about watching people make stupid choices. I’ll go even further to say there’s something tantalizing about watching *pretty* people make stupid choices. And not only do I keep coming back for more—somehow, I also excuse their behavior.
In one of my favorite books, The Elegance of the Hedgehog, the author writes (loosely, translated from French): “For beauty, all is forgiven. But ugliness is always already guilty.” What The Bachelor tells us is that if you’re pretty enough, glamorous enough, with potential to be famous, any behavior is excusable. There’s (almost) no such thing as going too far. As much as I hate it, I subscribe to this ideology just by showing up every week, looking for more.
In the name of research, I’ve committed to finishing this season of The Bachelorette. Will I keep up next year? Probably not. But, if a new dating show popped up where the first 20 applicants on a dating app were pulled into a reality show, regardless of physical attributes and personality (side note: The Bachelor asks applicants to provide their weight!), that’s something I might show up for—because what defines reality more than real life?
